Some Rambling

I'm in an odd state.

A dear friend has gifted me with a pile of doujins. Many of which are holy grails of mine since 2012 that was a fever dream then ever to own (a combination of my oppressive, sex negative, bigoted home life at the time and lack of funds). I cried when I got them. I thanked him countless times over and poured over the pages, feeling a piece of me I long thought shriveled and died radiate anew. And old wounds came back to the surface.

I've changed so much in the last decade (over a decade really). I've not only improved as a writer, but pursued it beyond my shame to something I'm proud to declare. I've grown and transformed from someone overconfident, to someone isolated and quiet, to who I am now. I've gained and lost so many relationships, escaped my home, got married, left and rediscovered fandom.

This collection of doujin represents not just old wishes fulfilled, but the life I left behind in a way and why I left fandom.

And perhaps...that I allowed it to be robbed from me.

Robbed sounds extreme, but I find little else to describe it. Maybe one day, I'll pen all the details here for my own sake of archiving my recounting, but the events were as follows in brevity:

I was far too young to have the following I had.
I befriended the wrong people.
My fannish life was discovered by my parents.
I had to purge it for my safety and my sanity, not just from my parents but from those I had loved and never should have.
I lost all my RL friends as a result of all of the above.

Convenience was to let those experiences paint my entire view of fandom. To anticipate it happening again if I dared to step foot and open up again. To forget that one of my dearest friends I met was because of this time. Hell, even another friend (who is still a friend in my heart even with her distance and intentional silence over the last 5 years) was the one who introduced me to my partner. It's easy to forget and just hurt. I hermited. I hid away even after I stretched my legs back out after years into social spaces once more and read fanfic again.

I have my partner to thank for the final leap of faith to try again. And since, I've made new lifelong friends I've held and cherished for years now. Bad has happened, yes. However, every annoyance, drama, incompatibility, and tear was worth it. I'm part of fandom again. I'm not afraid of participating in fandom again. I'm writing, I'm befriending, I'm engaging... I am rediscovered and reborn.

So why does it still ache to see these books? I am free so I should be finally free to enjoy these.

I suppose I'm mourning who I was even if they had to die to become who I am now. They may be still in there excited to finally hold these and see the pages like they always hoped they would one day, but it's from an afterlife-- A post-mortem celebration that would have been more complete had things not gone to shit. But it had to for things to be what they are for me today.

That and man, this pairing just does not hit the same way it use to... and that is a shame.